Brief Tutorial on Marriage

There are so many things you can’t do when you’re married. 

  1. You can’t kiss other people.
  2. You can’t have sex with other people. A girls’ night, becomes you and your kissing-bargirlfriends just pretending to be sluts.
  3. You can’t be friends with single people. You can’t meet someone of the opposite sex at a bar or the gym; exchange phone numbers to grab a drink later and hang out. (did I mention no sex with other people?)
  4. No flirting. The people you are allowed to flirt with just dwindled down to almost no one. Your husband. Your drunk best friend. Her husband (maybe and depending on how drunk you are). The kid that bags your groceries. Random waitresses and bartenders. They’re only humoring you so you’ll leave a good tip.hangcuffs
  5. You can’t leave. You have to go home every night. Sleeping at a friend’s house takes on a whole new meaning. Can you imagine your husband or wife calling to say they just decided to crash at a friend’s place on Saturday? If you are within a three-hundred-mile radius, you better take your ass home.
  6. giphyNot caring is no longer an option. You always have to care. About food (was it good, did look like the buzz feed video), a post on Facebook, a funny tweet, feelings. Feelings are important to married people.

Do you care about my feelings? Do I care about his? Does he respect my feelings? Does he understand my feelings? Can he spell the word feelings?

6. Kids. Do you want them? Can you have them? Do you have too many? You can’t have them. He has too many.

Because of the things we can’t do, we reevaluate boring shit and classify it as fun. Some examples:

  1. IKEA
  2. Painting shit or general home improvements.
  3. Yard work
  4. Brunch
  5. PG-13 movies
  6. Sex on a Tuesday
  7. Washing dishes together.
  8. Reading on a Saturday night.
  9. Wine in a box.
  10. Craft beer tasting. Craft beer in general.
  11. Pinterest
  12. Card games that don’t involve alcohol or nudity.
  13. Kids.

Marriage can eventually become something enjoyable. When feelings are no longer hurt, when leaving is no longer a threat, when kids finally grow the fuck up.

Until then, drink heavily my friends.